Sunday, May 01, 2011

Sunday Potpourri: Eat The Rich


The top 400 richest people in the United States of America now control more wealth and resources than the bottom 150,000,000 (that's one-hundred and fifty million btw ... in case big numbers don't register).  So ... my 150 million homies?  How about a BBQ?  Is it time yet?  The weather is getting nicer.

Here's the folks I'm talking about eating.  Some of them have tasty sounding names actually.  Yum, Stephen Biscotti.
Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, Larry Ellison, Christy Walton, Charles Koch, David Koch, Jim Walton, Alice Walton, S. Robson Walton, Michael Bloomberg, Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Sheldon Anderson, George Soros, Michael Dell, Steve Balmer, Paul Allen, Jeff Bezos, Anne Cox Chambers, John Paulson, Donald Bren, Abigail Johnson, Phil Knight, Carl Icahn, Ronald Perelman, John Mars, Jacqueline Mars, Forrest Mars, George Kaiser, James Simons, Len Blavatnik, Steve Cohen, Edward Johnson, Philip Anschutz, James Goodnight, Mark Zuckerberg, Jack Taylor, Rupert Murdoch, Samuel Newhouse, Jim Kennedy, Blair Parry-Okeden, Steve Jobs, Andrew Beal, Eli Broad, Harold Hamm, Patrick Soon-Siong, Pierre Omidyar, Eric Schmidt, Charles Butt, John Menard, Charles Ergen, Richard Kinder, David Geffen, Harold Simmons, Ray Dalio, Frederick G.H. Meijer, Dennis Washington, Ira Rennert, Ralph Lauren, Sam Zell, Richard DeVos, Ray Lee Hunt, David Tepper, Richard LeFrak, Lester Crown, Leonard Lauder, John Paul DeJoria, Micky Arison, Bruce Kovner, Robert Rowling, Stephen Schwarzman, Roger Wang, Robert Bass, Charles Johnson, Robert Ziff, Daniel Ziff, Dirk Ziff, Marion MacMillan Pictet, Whitney MacMillan, Cargill MacMillan, Pauline MacMillan Keinath, Charles Schwab, Rupert Johnson, Thomas Frist, Ray Dolby, Victor Fung, Leonard Stern, Gordon Moore, William Koch, Henry Kravis, Henry Ross Perot Sr, John Sall, Haim Saban, John Sobrato, John Arnold, George Lucas, Ron Burkle, Ann Walton Kroenke, Daniel Och, Scott Duncan, Stephen Ross, George Roberts, Edward Lampert, William Cook, Robert Holding, Randa Williams, Dannine Avara, Milane Frantz, Paul Tudor Jones, Terrence Pegula, Trevor Rees-Jones, Steven Spielberg, Bruce Halle, Jame Jannard, Leon Black, Ted Lerner, John Malone, Riley Bechtel, Stanley Druckenmiller, Leslie Wexner, Kirk Kerkorian, Stephen Bechtel, Joan Tisch, Sumner Redstone, Barbara Piasecka Johnson, Ronald Lauder, Philip Falcone, Peter Kellog, Patrick McGovern, David Murdock, Stanley Kroenke, Oprah Winfrey, Steven Udvar-Hazy, Timothy Headington, David Green, James Leprino, Nancy Walton Laurie, David Sun, Edgar Bronfman Sr, Mitchell Rales, John Tu, Malcolm Glazer, Charles Dolan, Warren Stephens, Richard Schulze, Igor Olenicoff, Donald Schneider, Archie Aldis Emmerson, Mark Cuban, Mary Alice Dorrance Malone, William Hilton, John Anderson, David Rockefeller, Ty Warner, Donald Trump, Martha Ingram, Tom Gores, Ken Griffin, Richard Rainwater, Doris Fisher, Stephen Rales, Rodney Lewis, Nicholas Berggruen, Julian Robertson, A. Jerrold Perenchio, David Shaw, Glen Taylor, Jack Dangermond, Ronda Stryker, Bill Gross, William Randolph Hearst III, Robert Friedland, Edward Roski, Michael Milkin, Stewart Rahr, Diane Hendricks, Jeremy Jacobs, Henry Hillman, William Wrigley, H. Wayne Huizenga, Herbert Kohler, Lee Bass, George Mitchell, Sid Bass, Gordon Getty, Lynn Schusterman, Alfred Taubman, Philip Ruffin, David Rubenstein, Phillip Frost, William Conway, Daniel D'Aniello, Robert Rich, Peter Peterson, Mortimer Zuckerman, H. Fisk Johnson, S. Curtis Johnson, Winnie Johnson-Marquardt, Helen Johnson-Leipold, Imogen Powers Johnson, Bennett Dorrance, Jerry Jones, Amos Hostetter, Ted Turner, James Cargill, Austen Cargill, Marianne Liebmann, Walter Scott, Reyes Jude, Reyes J. Christopher, Wilbur Ross, Michael Jaharis, Steve Wynn, Alan Casden, Jeffery Hildebrand, Albert Ueltschi, Jess Jackson, Israel Englander, Frederick Smith, Austin Hearst, Phoebe Hearst Cooke, George Hearst Jr, Marc Benioff, Jerry Speyer, Kelcy Warren, James Coulter, Fred DeLuca, Peter Buck, Jim Davis, Jeff Greene, Neil Bluhm, David Bonderman, Dean White, David Hearst Jr, Charles Munger, Stanley Hubbard, Clemmie Spangler, Bradley Hughest, Thomas Siebel, Michael Ilitch, Henry Samueli, John Catsimatidis, Alexander Rovt, Louis Bacon, Alec Gores, Clayton Mathile, Randal Kirk, Thomas Kaplan, Craig McCaw, Isaac Perlmutter, Glenn Dubin, William Connor, S. Truett Cathy, Bharat Desai, Stephen Mandel, George Argyros, Ken Fisher, Manuel Moroun, Leandro Rizzuto, Barbara Carlson Gage, Thomas Pritzker, Ted Forstmann, Marilyn Carlson, Michael Heisley, John Marriott, John Doerr, Wilma Tisch, Min Kao, Anita Zucker, Penny Pritzker, Thomas Friedkin, Leon G. Cooperman, Robert Kraft, Richard Peery, Charles Brandes, S. Daniel Abraham, Edward Bass, Brad Kelley, Henry Nicholas, Richard Marriott, David Gottesman, Norman Braman, Bernard Marcus, Joe Jamail, George Lindemann, Edward DeBartolo, Kavitark Ram Shriram, John Pritzker, Michael Price, Gary Michelson, Robert McNair, John Arrillaga, Romesh T. Wadhwani, Dustin Moskovitz, T. Boone Pickens, Gerald J. Ford, Anthony Pritzker, Jay Robert Pritzker, Thomas Peterffy, Henry Ross Perot Jr, Jamer Irsay, Joseph Craft, Roger Penske, Ron Baron, Jonathan Nelson, James Kim, James Pritzker, Billy Joe McCombs, John Morgridge, Stephen Biscotti, Ray Davis, Thomas Lee, Richard Chilton Jr, Marc Lasry, Linda Pritzker, Karen Pritzker, Jean Pritzker, Daniel Pritzker, Christopher Goldsbury, James Dinan, Richard Hayne, Leon Charney, Vinod Khosla, Michael Moritz, Evgeny Shvidler, Pat Stryker, Carl Berg, John Fisher, Herbert Simon, Jon Stryker, David Duffield, C. Dean Metropoulos, Joseph Mansueto, Tom Golisano, Henry Swieca, Alfred Mann, Bernard Saul, Aubrey McClendon, Joshua Harris, Marc Rowan, Gary Magness, Scott Cook, Johnelle Hunt, Meg Whitman, Malone Mitchell, Todd Wagner, Barry Diller, Thomas Barrack, Charlotte Coket Weber, Sheldon Solow, Arthur Blank, Alfred James Clar, Richard Scaiffe, Alan Gerry, Alexander Knaster, Peter Sperling, Jerry Yang, David Filo, Eduardo Saverin, Bruce Karsh, Howard Marks, Kenneth Adams, Peter Thiel, Steven Roth, Matthew Bucksbaum, Dan Snyder, Frank Fertitta, William Moncrief, Steve Case, Nelson Peltz, Kenny Troutt, Alexander Spanos, Sidney Kimmel, William Macaulay, Hope Hill, Kenneth Langone, Edmund Ansin, Irwin Jacobs, Peter Lewis, John Sperling, Tom Benson, Elaine Wynn, Samuel Wyly, Nicholas Pritzker, Tamara Gustavson, Donald Hall, Michael Krasny, Lorenzo Fertitta, Patrick Ryan, George Joseph, Arturo Moreno, Thomas Secunda, Jeffery Lurie, William Ford Sr, Darwin Deason, Herbert Allen, John Brown, John Edson.
There's 15 more but apparently they aren't billionaires?  That's right.  All 385 I've just typed out are billionaires.  Know how long it would take you to spend a billion dollars on typical (non real estate) consumer items?  You probably would get bored or die of old age before you finished.  Anyway, let's plan the BBQ eh?

I know there's a couple of problems with this idea.  First, some of you are vegans.  No problem.  We'll have a big salad too, you can just stand along side and watch as the rest of us munch on them.  And sure another problem, yes ... it's cannibalism.  Ok well ... I get that some of you can't get into that.  So I figure that if we subtract the vegans and the people who are absolutely opposed to eating another human that we've got to still be left with somewhere around 250,000 of us that would be willing to partake.  And hey, if it turned out to be more than that you know what they say; the more the merrier.

Next problem, 400 rich assholes really won't feed 250,000 people.  I figure on average there's probably about 75 pounds of edible meat on the average super rich person.  A quick trip to the calculator tells me we'd end up with about 30,000 pounds of meat which would mean an equal share of .12 pounds each.  Yeah, not very filling.  Maybe with the side dishes though we'd get a fairly decent meal.  I know someone that makes a helluva cheesecake and if others could contribute pot-luck style I think lots of us could leave the picnic with full bellies.  

The upside of only eating .12 pounds of another human.  Um ... that is the upside.  It's only .12 pounds.  That's about the same amount of meat as in one of those regular McDonald's hamburgers.  Seriously, who amongst us couldn't choke down that little amount of meat for the good of the country?  I'd be willing to be a vegan or two might cross the line just this once.

I've given some thought to this and I have to say that slow roasting rotisserie-style is probably the way to go.  A lot of these pricks are pretty old and probably a bit grisly.  Doing them up sorta like Baby Back Ribs ought to give the best result.  I did briefly consider Polynesian style but digging 400 pits seems like quite the undertaking (forgive the pun).  I don't think we'd have to stick to just one style necessarily though.  Maybe a variety of cooking methods would encourage more people to participate?

Another problem is of course where to have it.  It's tough to know for sure.  But with only 250,000 of us participating then the choices are pretty wide ranging.  How about The Mall in Washington D.C.?  That will pretty easily accommodate even 500,000 (assuming of course that some vegans show up and probably some other gawkers who want to vicariously enjoy the feast but are unable to bring themselves to the whole cannibalism part).  Naturally, the political implications should resonate  deeply when our elected officials see us eating their corporate masters.

So when do we do this?  Obviously, it takes some time to plan this.  We'll have to round these bastards up first.  They all should be pretty east to find.  A few of them will probably have to be dragged off their 180ft yachts in the Mediterranean or snatched from their private islands or whatever.  But I'd think 10 teams of 10 people each ought to be able to get it done in eight or ten weeks.  Naturally, we'll have to line up some sponsors to help with the expenses.  I'll be happy to volunteer to line those up as I've already got several ideas how to make that happen.

I know that you're thinking.  What does eating the 400 wealthiest people in the US really accomplish ... their heirs will just inherit their money and resources leaving us in exactly the same shitty little sinking boat we are in now.  Nah, you really think if the heirs of these obscene fortunes saw us eating their parents that they'd continue to hoard their wealth?  I'm inclined to believe they'll give up whatever they have to in order to avoid another such BBQ.  And the next 400 richest assholes?  Well, I'm inclined to believe they might not fucking whine about pay a few more percentage points in taxes after they see us eat the 400 people who are wealthier than them.

I'm sure you think this is some sort of parody to make a point.  It isn't.  I'm as serious as a heart attack. So I propose that we do this on that venerated American holiday of Labor Day this year.  Let's get this ball rolling folks.  Comment below, email me or heck just say something in the chatroom on the right side of the page.  We can do this.

5 comments:

BBEF said...

Now I'm hungry... BTW Bill Gates supposedly supports adding income tax in the State of Washington. I watched some documentary or something I think? Bill’s dad does not share his sentiments… I think…

BBEF said...

Can we just have a Walton BBQ? They make up almost half of the top 10. Also - I think Wal-Mart is having a sale on Weber grills.

Save money - live better!!!

Donald Dunlop said...

I'm heartened to hear you watched a documentary that wasn't about Charlie Sheen. Very Nice. Bill's pop is really a fairly progressive guy and has actually advocated for higher tax rates on the super rich.

I suspect Bill would be the least tasty of the bunch.

Anonymous said...

George Soros is probably the biggest blight on that last, he has way too much influence on our economy

Anonymous said...

Can we set aside Rupert Murdoch for the sled dogs to eat?

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