Sunday, January 18, 2009

Sunday Potpourri: Embarrassment Edition

Yes. Losing to MSU-M by six goals is an embarrassment to Alaska. But to be fair let's put it into perspective. Here are some Alaska things that are exponentially more embarrassing. So fear not UAA Seawolves ... you guys definitely laid an egg on Saturday but that minor shame doesn't begin to compare to the grandeur of shame that all the following morons have spewed onto this otherwise fine state.
1. Sarah Palin
I know it's an easy target but let's review a few things:

Cheated on her hubby with his business partner

Son forced into the Army by judge following his foray into the drunken vandalizing of 44 school buses

Daughter pregnant at 17 ... her baby-daddy's mum sells "hillbilly heroin"

On a clear day you can see Russia (Big Diomede island) from Alaska (Little Diomede island); 11 people live on Little Diomede Island ... that isn't foreign policy experience you dumb bitch
425 on verbal SAT; 416 on Math SAT -- 36th and 31st percentile
Reverend "Witchdoctor" Muthe

Rape kits paid for by Wasilla rape victims (hooray for fiscal conservatism)
in a state with the highest rape rate in the U.S.
DUI-convicted hubby running rampant in the state capitol as if he were the Gov causing the whole Troopgate embarrassment

**Hey Sarah ... don't come to the Sully for the Governor's Cup thing this year ok? Really ... don't.

2. Aerial Wolf Hunting

In order to artificially increase Moose populations for hunters the State of Alaska instituted a program where a select group of assassins are paid a bounty and allowed to cull the wolf population from airplanes. The program includes the killing of pups inside their dens. Palin didn't initiate but wholeheartedly supports this effort. Former Alaska Governor and Nixon's Interior Secretary Wally Hickel once said, "We cant just let nature run wild."

3. Ted Stevens

Renaming an airport after someone is usually reserved for dead guys. But to honor the 40 year carpetbagging career of this vile miscreant (and now convicted FELON), the Anchorage International Airport now bears his name. Little did the folks who perpetrated this monstrous foible on the people of this fine state know that at the time they did so, Uncle Ted was getting 200K+ worth of remodeling on his home done gratis by the most corrupt businessman in the state. A man who has only avoided jail by ratting out all the politicians he bribed.

4. Charlie Sokaitis

Yes. The lowly junior sports reporter on KTUU-TV is the 4th most embarrassing thing in Alaska. The kid is illiterate ... remember "Merceyherst" from earlier this year; he also yells at the camera ala Billy Mays. And he is from Fairbanks. He misprounces two names per broadcast at a minimum. He is more embarrassing than Dan Fagan, Meg Stapleton and Bill McAllister combined. All of whom are carpetbagging imports doing whatever they can to cash in via their media positions (all of whom coincidentally started their Alaska media careers at KTUU).

5. Pork Pork Pork Pork Pork

This state for decades has led all U.S. states in federal spending per capita (a whopping 71% more than the average). 1 in 3 jobs in Alaska is indirectly tied to federal spending. I'm all for finacial support of bush Alaska and the difficulties associated with living in the remote places. Many bush people were still shitting in buckets until recently. The U.S. knew of these challenges when it adopted Alaska as a state so some extra spending here is understandable. But a disproportionate amount of that funding has historically gone to support the latest and greatest (and most expensive) military toys. The Cold War ended 20+ years ago. Russia isn't going to invade through Alaska anymore ... actually they never were. Do I have to mention 450 million dollar bridge to Gravina Island? All this while a 40 billion dollar investment account exists that pays every individual in the state an average of 1000 dollars a year. Yes ... the Palins will get 7 of those checks. Those folks on TV with 18 freaking kids are dumbasses if they don't move here (they would have gotten over 36,000 dollars this past year).

That's my top five. There are quite a few other embarrassing tidbits about Alaska. But I'm not really here to edify everyone about all that. Do a little research and you can learn some amazingly embarrassing shit about Alaska on your own (hint: Google "jesuit and catholic priests in Alaska" for a start). Don't get me wrong. I call myself an Alaskan and am proud of so much of what this state has to offer. But I'm not about to close my eyes to the crap that exists here.


Anonymous said...

I am with you 100% on Charilie Sokaitis.

thecollegehockeyblog said...

Agree with you 1 million percent on Sarah Palin. And that wolf thing is just awful.

Anonymous said...

The Bottom line is UAA has put together twice the season as last year so far and I wouldnt get to caught up in the embarrasment stuff just yet..We are in the mix and alot is going to shake out in the near future... Mich Tech is up next and lets just worry about a win Friday nigh at home..

Anonymous said...

FETCH said.
Sarah Palin rocks. Who is the guy in the picture? Looks like he sure as hell has nothing to nide.

Donald Dunlop said...

It's a St. Cloud Alum of course.

Frank, Lisa and Don said...

without uncle ted and his pork, you probably wouldn't even be here because there wouldn't be any jobs. we'll see what your messiah obama will do for alaska.

please stick to hockey and avoid politics

Donald Dunlop said...

Unfortunately, pretty much every one of the 6 or 7 jobs I've ever held in Alaska was more dependent on the raping of Alaska by oil companies than the largess of the U.S. Government.

I expect the new President to do virtually nothing for the state of Alaska. In fact, if he puts the needs of 700,000 people in any way above the needs of the other 300,000,000 million people in this country then I'll be disappointed.

Don't like my occasional tangential commentary?Then change the channel.

Anonymous said...

I love it when Conaservative Toolsheds like the dude (can't be a woman) posting as Ted, Lisa, and Don, try to "burn" you. If anyone knew better, they would concede by placing their fist between their cheeks.

Donald Dunlop said...

I can be "burned" ... but I'm not half bad with words. For an attempt to be successful it should be carefully made.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely DD. Even your rebuttals are carefully calculated.

Donald Dunlop said...


I learned a long time ago to not say anything that you can't defend.

And then I learned how to say those things in a way that would elicit specific responses that can be made to look foolish.

I always loved a Lewis Carroll line from Alice in Wonderland ... (at least that's where I think it came from) ...

"Say what you mean and mean what you say"

Too many people on the internet ignore the edit button that exists between their brain and their mouth. I "try" to always keep that edit button acitve.

NooksKiller said...

First of all, the rape numbers are skewed in Alaska due to natives (as are teen pregnancy, alcoholism per capita and domestic violence). Aerial wolf hunting does, in fact, boost the population of animals that hunters from outside Alaska come here to pay to shoot. Stevens single-handedly dragged Alaska out of the dark age with his persistent earmarking to benefit out great state. Pork barrel spending? Earmarking is a way for Senators and Representatives to allocate monies needed for their state, as opposed to having their request for funds denied in a committee that doesn't understand that their decisions have real-life consequences to actual people....Oh, Chuck Sokaitis is a really nice guy and at least he tries to be excited about stupid shit like girls basketball

Anonymous said...

I'm sure Charlie Sokaitis is a great guy. That doesn't change the fact that he sucks at sports reporting. Stevens is a crook. I hope he gets whats coming to him, but he'll get pardoned.

Anonymous said...

With all due respect, I think your blog just wasted two minutes of my life. Team Charlie.

Anonymous said...

Just curious. With the death of Ted Stevens, does Charlie move up to number three?

Anonymous said...

Hey Man Boobs, tearing down these people the way you are makes you a fool. Fact is they all have and will always have better careers then you ever will. And further, you will probably delete this comment because you are one of those people that will sit there and make fun of the fat guy next to you because of the simple fact he is fat and you aren't but yet you can't take the criticism or negative thoughts directed at you. Maybe you should just stick to political topics as you aren't one to be judging others. Lets get to my point here; your blog is bland, not funny and is negative and demeaning and you can't even do your research right for the statistics you like to point out. Further more you criticize other people and post it publicly but don't want the world to see and read the criticism about you. What a coward. Even further, you will never have any of the following qualities as the people you mentioned: a) you will never be as sexy as Sarah Palin (and even though you are a man I am implying you are not a beautiful person), b) break him down all you want either positively or negatively, but people will NEVER remember your name like they will Ted Stevens, and c) based on this blog, you will never be as funny or witty as Charlie Sokaitis even though the point of this blog is to portray both of those characteristics. Your blog and your personality is none of the above. Maybe you should get back to your education or hit the gym and start working on those man boobs.

PS, If you decide to remove my comment I will continue to repost it.
Thanks for the time.


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