Thursday, March 11, 2010

Profanity-Laden Anti-Badger General Tirade

Lacking inspiration or perhaps just out of laziness, last week I went with a standard "newspaper-style" previews and recaps etc ... of the Seawolves/UMD series.  I'm perfectly prepared to do so again if necessary however, I do have a fallback option which I'll give a shot now.  

If you're reading this, then I'm satisfied with how it turned out.  If you're reading the boring run-of-the-mill newspaper-style shit I can write in 30 minutes then I didn't like the way this turned out ... aaand ... you won't know it anyway.  This will be unedited for content.  I will correct spelling errors and major grammatical problems; but otherwise ... I'm going free-form rant-o-rama now.  That all means don't bother hitting the play button on the vid below or reading any text after it if you're offended by colorful language.

After this best of three series with the Badgers, one of two realities will exist.  The Seawolves will begin  preparing for a Thursday night game at the XCel Energy center or they won't be.  I'm here to say that I'm not fucking ok with the latter reality.  I'm not ok with it because I really feel like this Seawolves team deserves a better ultimate fate this season.  There's a bunch of guys on this team that have gotta be pretty damn sick and tired of seeing "9th seeded UAA blah blah blah" and then not fucking getting to the Final Five.

I know I feel that way and god damnit, I'm sick and fucking tired of reading and sensing shit like " ... if we can't beat UAA then my hopes for blah blah blah ..." In case you didn't know it; that is the prevailing attitude amongst opposition fans year in and year out when the Seawolves go on the road for the playoffs.  It doesn't matter who they play.  Sure, there's one or two fans in other fanbases that might step up and say, "Hey, UAA can be dangerous ... we shouldn't overlook them."  But that fucking minimal amount of respect is overwhelmed by the general consensus that a playoff series against UAA is best looked at or utilized as some sort of tune-up.

Well fuck that.  The Seawolves are damn sure not some "elite" WCHA team's sparring partner for the big fight to come.  They're a pretty damn good hockey team when they set their minds to it.  And god damnit, they better set their fucking minds to it this weekend.  Every single fucking one of them.  No bullshit this weekend.  If a Seawolves player isn't clearly determined to leave his heart and soul out on this ice this weekend then they can fucking sit and watch from the stands as far as I'm concerned.

The only tomorrow that happens at this point is if the Seawolves players themselves manufacture one.  That means going out on the Kohl Center ice and putting the damned puck behind Wisconsin's goaltender and keeping their arrogant NHL-bound draft picks from returning the favor.

I've got no genius fucking plan for how that happens this weekend.  Dave Shyiak should have some sense of it.  That's what he and his staff are getting paid for.  So, yeah ... Dave needs to pull a fucking rabbit out of his hat and say presto.  That's all I care about.  Trap the shit out of the Badgers if that's what it is going to take.  I don't care.  Just fucking win baby ... just fucking win.

I don't like the Badgers.  Never have.  I didn't care for the way Jeff Sauer looked standing on the bench when he coached and I sure as hell don't like Mike Eaves smugness (ok ... he's not nearly as smug as Gwoz) but it's still enough to grate on me.  The Badgers have had their share of prima-donnas over the years and that sort of shit never impresses me.  Do they have any this year?  You know what?  I'm not really sure.  I haven't had the chance to see them play that many times.  I'd guess I've only seen about 4 or 5 of their games.  Eaves is well-known as kind of a prick and I don't think that sort of crap flies with him.

And yes ... all this sports hate comes from years and fucking years of not getting the upperhand on these bastards.  That's why I pretty much hate all of the regular top 5 WCHA finishers.  And that dislike/hatred makes beating any of them (even if it's only once during a season) sweeter.  Some dimwit is likely to show up and say something like "jealous much" in response here.  Well numbnuts, it has nothing to do with jealousy.  Jealousy requires that I would want to be a Badger fan.  That's about the 2nd to the last team I'd want to cheer for.  Yep ... the Badgers are damn close to the Sioux on my "Teams I Wouldn't Piss On If They Were On Fire" list.

Sure, I could sit down and easily write a post full of platitudes and respect and awe for the Badgers.  Even after UAA beats them this weekend, they are perfectly capable of making a deep run into the NCAA's.  They've got a team full of "studs".  Why shouldn't they?  It's a Big 10 school with tons of money and rich fucking alumni.  They've got an ongoing history of excellence in hockey and however many national championships.

So fucking what?  I could give a shit about any of that.  I want to see them go down if for no other reason than Dean Talafous went to school there.  That would be enough reason for me ya know?  But as you should already clearly sensed here ... there are nearly endless reasons for me to want to see UAA beat the living snot out of the Badgers this weekend.

Christ, they say "beg" instead of "bag".  Isn't that enough reason to want to see them lose?  Again, it would be enough for me.  It's an "A" you macaroons.  There oughta be a button somewhere that we could push to give any person that speaks that way a firm backhanded slap across the face.  Doncha think?  Someone invent that remote and I'll buy it.

Here's another thing.  They've all written off the loss to the Gophers on Sunday as an aberration.  What?  They only beat the Gophers on Friday night by 3-2 and that was apparently with 3 Gopher goals disallowed/waved off.  Um ... so you folks think you're team only played one bad game?  Yeah ok.

You'd think I'd like Madison as it's known as a bastion of progressive thought in the middle of red-state America.  You all know I'm a big time commie right?  Madison ought to be my Mecca.  So what?  We're talking hockey here.  

Ok now onto the stupid fucking dancing by people that aren't students at the Kohl Center.  Old dudes busting the choreographed dance moves started by the student section is beyond my comprehension.  Really old guys?  You're going to stand-up and dance like a 19 year old girl even though you're in your 50's, 60's and 70's?  Not only should you be ashamed of yourselves, you should be hauled out, tarred and feathered ... then sent to Milwaukee.  

I'm not against people having fun.  But how about using some of the decorum and maturity that comes with being old.  Live vicariously through your hockey team.  Shout and cheer for them.  Yell nasty shit at the referees or try to taunt the opposition.  Good on ya.  But quit fucking getting up and leading some stupid dance-o-rama.  You're an embarrassment to your generation and since I'm not far removed from it I must address it here.  Stop it you fucking morons.  It's ok if your wives do it.  They're women.  You're not.

Make wins (plural!!!!!!) happen this weekend, dear Seawolves.  Eat their fucking lunch.  Hand them their fucking hats.  Wink at their fucking girlfriends.  Make their ancestors turn over in their graves.  Give them noogies and titty twisters.  Ask them if they want a "Hertz Donnit" and them give them one.  Give them an "Indian Burn".  Blow your nose on the back of their jerseys.  Pound them into the boards every opportunity you get.  If one of them is checking his laces while carrying the puck, line him up and blast him.  Paste them onto the boards in the corners and put them on their red and white asses in front of the net.

I really really do not want to sit down after this weekend and come up with some positive fucking spin because it is the end of the season.  Really.  I don't.  And to some of the smarmy UAA fans that assume this year is just like any other.  Go fucking skiing this weekend eh?  Or jump on your snowmachine and go out and about.  Be safe and enjoy yourselves.  But don't think about the series.  Ok?  The less of your thoughts floating around out there in quantum space the better.  If you can't watch the games without some hope and belief then do something else.  Or better yet ... become a Gopher fan; you've already got the right attitude.

I know this Seawolves team can beat the Badgers twice.  I know it.  And I'll be watching with exactly those thoughts.  I'm a never say die, never surrender guy.  Criticize me for being that way if you want.  I don't care.  My team is going to win this series and they're going to the Final Five.  I just refuse to have it any other way.

Sorry Suze ... it was too good to pass up.


Anonymous said...

Yes we want uaa to be respected around the league, we are, don't thing for a minute that wisconsin players and coaches know if clarky, grant, lunden and johnnny play there A game. They would be in trouble, yes we could have won or tied more games and played a lesser opponent. Clark and all the seniors have layed a foundation for new players and opportunities in the future. Let's hope there A game is there, and all the best to the team and coaches.

Neil said...

Best Blog Post of the Year, by far!

Donald Dunlop said...

You just like the bikini recital.

Neil said...

I like the Big Lebowski, the attitude you are articulate in your post and yes I like the bikini recital. You made my day, thanks!

Donald Dunlop said...

"But sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about the Dude here. Sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place."

Eric said...

Any post that manages to combine a Dean Talafous slam, an homage to "the Dude" and a bikini shot in the same rant is good shit. Can I say that?

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