Monday, October 16, 2006

Not Dickens Part Two: Reality

In Part One we learned that 2006 Fairbanks Compost > 1960 Anchorage "anything". But you may ask how that makes Fairbanks better than Anchorage? What relevance is there in comparing 1960 Anchorage to modern day Fairbanks? I suppose it's only relevant to show that comparisons between the cities are hard to make. Lemme 'splain; when coming up with "livability" rankings I'd guess that most sociologist's use categories like "Culture", "Health and Welfare" and "Recreation" etc ... The problem with making use of that sort of data is that it isn't fair to Fairbanks and I'm all about fairness. It isn't fair because there are virtually none of those classic categories where Fairbanks might possibly come out ahead. It's a size thing. We're big. They're little. So does that mean bigger is always better? Plenty of people in Fairbanks would argue it isn't necessarily true. And you know what they'd be pretty much right. I think we all know that intuitively. It's really just about what makes sense to each resident. People who like Anchorage enjoy all the amenities that come with having 40 percent of Alaska's total population brings. People who like Fairbanks enjoy the quieter existence that they are afforded by their size and locale. But what fun is all that reality? None.

Preferred monikers for Fairbanks by Anchorageites? Squarebanks clearly comes in at #1. It's a dig at the lack of sophistication and general backwoodsyness up there. After Squarebanks its a mishmash of lesser (but descriptively revealing) names like Mudbanks*, Golden Fart City, and C.O.A.R. (Craphole On A River). Preferred moniker for Anchorage by Fairbanksans? Los Anchorage is #1 reference. But from what I can tell by doing a bunch of research on this thing called the Internet, Fairbanksans gave up after coming up with that one. Seriously, nobody up there ever thought of Wankerage? I've waited years and years and never once have I seen or heard anyone up there refer to us as Wankerage. I can only guess the laid back rural lifestyle is a complete and total drain on even a basic level of literary creativity. Maybe the heat from the gigantic compost heap has dulled their wit?
*I'd always incorrectly assumed that Fairbanks was named in a similar fashion to Anchorage. Anchorge is a pretty straightforward description of origin of the city. So I stupidly thought it was a reference to the "fair" banks of the Chena river. So "Mudbanks" is a complete and total farce it seems. In the effort to be thorough I did a whole bunch of research and I'm pretty sure I've found the guy for whom Fairbanks was named. And I'm not even going to touch the whole "transvestite" thing as it relates (or doesn't) to the Golden Heart City.


Donald said...

Speaking of wankers. Some guy buys a Mercedes SLK32 and what customized license plate does he put on it? SLK32. The pure genius of some people with money in Wankerage is almost unfathomable.

Anonymous said...

I think you over estimate squairbanks understanding of British insalts yes wankerage would be a good one but I dont think squairbanks would get it. I enjoy reading these thank you for the blog.

Donald said...

You're welcome. I enjoy writing them ... 'specially this week.

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