Ice Is Slippery

(Minneapolis - Monday Feb. 5, 2007)
The Universe of Minnesota's human resources director Edna Gunderson today announced a new insurance policy that impacts all athletic department employees at the Twin Cities campus only. Ms. Gunderson's statement reads,

Due to the ongoing challenges of maintaining the highest quality health insurance options for our members at the best possible price for the tax payers of the state, the Twin Cities campus will switch providers on March 1st. An individuals coverage will migrate seamlessly with no change for one year. Athletic department assistant coaches in order to qualify for this policy (due to recent events in the pathetically empty Sullivan Arena in Fairbanks, Alaska) will have to visit the HR office before March 1st to be fitted with special protective headgear and sign a contract to wear the devices at all practices.

When contacted for further information by Untied Press Inc, spokeswoman Gunderson read from an Athletic department accident report which indicated that assistant coach John Hill fell during a Friday team skate-around. Athletic Director Maturi explained,

"It was a normal game day early skate. The team and staff were simply warming up for that evenings scheduled game and BAM ... down went Hillers like a sack of potatos. His noodle took a pretty hard lick and he might have had a minor concussion."

Gunderson explained further that the new insurance carrier (10K Lakes Accounting Fund & Fidelity) determined that the risk of injury for Minnesota assistant coaches vs. the need for them to be on the platform of competition was too high. Initially a proposal for all assistants to remain permanently on the sidelines or stands was called for but lengthy negotiations arrived at the helmet wearing alternative plan. Many UofM assistant coaches weren't happy when contacted. Assistant soccer coach Seth Gunderson expressed a unique concern,

"I've got to wear a helmet on the pitch now? I was hired specifically to improve our teams ability to head the ball effectively. It's a really big part of my job to demonstrate techniques using my head. And now I've got to wear a helmet because some dumbass doesn't know ice is slippery?"

Assistant volleyboall coach Donna "Precious" Gunderson appeared quite shaken at the news,

"This is stupid. Headgear again? When my overbite was finally corrected last year and they said all the orthodontics was over I sure didn't think I'd be having to wear headgear again. I guess every day at practice will now be a bad hair day. Because some dumbass slipped on the ice?"

Assistant hockey coach Mike Guentzel had no comment but as he scurried away from the UPI reporter he slipped on the freshly waxed AD department's marble foyer. He appeared unharmed but only glared at the reporter in response to further questions. Former gopher assistant Bob Motzko commented,

"I warned tDon that something like this would happen. We'd both seen the signs that something along these lines was imminnent several years ago. But Johnny always used the argument that they let him wear skates at CC so we should let him here too. I guess whatever is good enough for the Black Bears should be good enough for the Gophers."

Head Coach Don Lucia released a statement that any and all issues related to the matter will be handled internally but indicated that the health and welfare of his staff and his players is always his primary concern.

(proposed Assistant Coach protective headgear)