Tuesday, February 12, 2008

SCSU "Hot or Not": An Homage

With my well-known deep admiration for the practice of rating players by their looks today I happily present my own "Hot or Not" for St. Cloud State. I wish I could be gay for a a day. Then it'd be a much more pure homage to those female bloggers who grace the Internet with their opinions about male D1 hockey players looks. I tried, but alas, I can't. However my failure to attain gaydom-for-a-day will not prevent me from honoring the "Hot or Not" milieux. Since I'm really not able to judge the St. Cloud men's team, I instead present the St. Cloud Womens Hockey team:
#2 Abby Krause -- "Very Not Hot" -- You can see this chin coming around the corner before the rest of her.

#3 Diana Karouzos -- "Sorta Not Hot" -- The ability to eat corn-on-the-cob through a set of mini-blinds is useful in some rare circumstance but otherwise: Eeek!?!? @ them teeth!

#4 Jenaca Fredheim -- "Could Be Hot" -- A bit much perpendicular-to-the-head ear action. And "Jenaca"? Are we 'sposed to spray her into our mouth for minty freshness?

#5 Katie Kemmerer -- "Hotness" -- Pretty brown eyes. Well groomed. Attractive smile. And nicely proportioned neck. Must not be a Minnesota girl.

#6 Holly Roberts -- "Kinda Not Hot" -- Don't get me wrong here. I'm all about brunettes and I like an offset part in the hair. But without extensive rhinoplasty you'd probably have to look up and down and left and right as you talked to her. I didn't know a nose could give directions all by itself.

#7 Brita Schroeder -- "Not Hot" -- Take a look at Bob Motzko's picture and then this girl. Who cloned his droopy eyes onto this poor girl? She can filter your water removing lots of particulates though.

#8 Maggie Mickelson -- "Neither Hot nor Not Hot" -- I dunno. She doesn't make me want to turn and run I guess. I bet she reads a lot in her room alone.

#9 Brittni Kuyper -- "Not Hot" -- Jeff Gordon? Jeff Gordon from NASCAR plays women's hockey?

#10 Alecia Anderson -- "Freakily Not Hot" -- Wasn't she in some Lord of the Rings movie? What's with that coiffure? Get some sunglasses. Why do I think she picked #10 because that's as high as she could count?

#13 Felicia Nelson -- "Just Not Hot" -- Vampire teeth and ears that go 2 inches above her brow? I'd take her to a bar fight with me though.

#14 Laura Fast -- "Hot" -- Straight haired brunette with side part. Nice blue eyes. Pretty smile.

#15 Stacy Dey -- "Almost Not Hot" -- The 80's hair is just too much. I can't get past it. I'm not big on her nose. Parent shoulda named her Satur.

#16 Danielle Hirsch -- "Almost Not Hot" -- Just unappealing to me. Not my cup of tea I guess. I'd be worried she'd go all crazy legs and knock my goalposts over for no apparent reason.

#17 Marie-Michel Lemieux -- "Not Hot" -- Yikes. Her mouth is so out of proportion to the rest of her face that it makes it look like the bottom half of her face was grafted onto the top. Ever see those "if they mated" pictures on Conan O'Brien?

#18 Courtney Jesefson -- "Not Hot" -- Not to be mean here. But she looks like a rabbit.

#19 Amy Currier -- "Very Not Hot" -- Fargo. I don't think I have to say anything else. Less is more in this case.

#20 Carmen Lizee -- "Sorta Almost Hot" -- Maybe it's a strange call. After all she's got an odd chin and her eyes are sorta close together. But something about her is kinda sorta appealing.

#21 Sammy Nixon -- "Scary Not Hot" -- Can you say Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme? She was the former Charlie Manson devotee that tried to kill Gerald Ford. Did she lose her eyebrows somewhere or what?

#22 Megan McCarthy
-- "Not Hot" -- Who snuck the golf balls into this girls cheeks. That's just not right. Mole excision is a low cost procedure someone ought to tell her about.

#23 Michelle Moen -- "Cute" -- She's cute. What else is there to say. She isn't "Hot". She isn't "Not Hot". Cute. Nothing more nothing less.
So there ya have it. Thanks again to those who came before me in publishing this sort of evaluation. This is my single foray into this realm though. It wasn't a pleasant experience for me.

35 comments:

THE UNH MEN'S HOCKEY BLOGGER GUY said...

Donald, is the year really going this badly???

http://tinyurl.com/2h97rt

;)

MeanEgirl said...

Okay... that was some funny shit right there. You were kind'a rough on some of them though. I'd do like half of them.

Dirty said...

Think what it would look like if Abby Krause and Dan Kronick had a kid. It would be a chin with appendanges.

LetsGoMavs said...

Come on Donald...admit that this post was a little fun to do!!

Personally, I think the post is funny as hell! You were rough on a few, but to each their own.

In fact, I don't think this post made your point at all. If anything, it'll make people happy that they got a laugh from your blog for once! It's the sparkling gem in the doom and gloom here!

Rock on Hot or Not!!

Also, last I knew Hirsch was dating Okposo. Poor girl!

LetsGoMavs said...

Also..if you were really gutsy you would have gone gay for an hour to do a Hot or Not of the men's team!

Donald Dunlop said...

LGM:
Didn't I ask that you passively monitor the comments on this post?

LetsGoMavs said...

I don't know...did you? You ramble on and weekly that I can't remember 75% of what you say...

Anonymous said...

u all have too much time on your hands.

LetsGoMavs said...

oops, I meant on and on weekly...on my previous post.

Honestly, between your long rants/writings and reading a bunch of other blogs I don't remember it all...

Runninwiththedogs said...

Danielle Hirsch >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Tyler Hirsch.

Weird. My word verification is lwlvvwl. Or maybe it's lvvlvvl. Or lwlwwl. Or lvvlvvvvl. I'm not sure.

Suze said...

What happened to Caitlin Hogan, Meaghan Pezon, Kelly Meierhofer, Kendall Newell and Ashley Nixon?

I'm sure they are feeling left out right about now! ;)

Donald, read your email.

Donald Dunlop said...

OMG. Did I leave some of them off? How'd I do that? I used the roster at the SCSU website! Damn ...

Donald Dunlop said...

Suze:
I read that when you sent it. I'll update my "banner" thingy.

Anonymous said...

Brutal, just brutal

Suze said...

http://www.stcloudstate.edu/athletics/sports/hockey-womens/roster.asp

I think I'm glad you didn't finish.

Donald Dunlop said...

I relooked at it. There was a line break on my browser that made me think I'd done all of them. I was glad to be done with it frankly. I'd thought I'd see a comment or two that would bolster (as LGM put it) "my point". But I didn't so besides being distasteful it was a waste of time.

Anonymous said...

that's at least 15 minutes out of your life that you can't have back.

Jimjamesak said...

http://www.stcloudstate.edu/athletics/sports/hockey-womens/2004-2005PlayerProfiles_031.asp

This girl is from Phoenix?!?

Jeff said...

You better watch out. I'm pretty sure each and every one of those girls can kick your ass

Anonymous said...

Just noticed that Craptasticville signed that Finucci kid whos leading the BCHL in Scoring..How in the hell is Yoda coming up with all this Scholarship money..I wonder if he is just going to Release his whole team and start over?? I noticed another one of his high powered recruits Jordan Van Guilder just got cut from his junior team...Hmmmm I get it bring in 20 kids and keep 10??? No sense in actually Coaching players just Release them..will see about that Squarebanks..Huge wait and see on that Coaching Staff..

Anonymous said...

I agree, huge wait and see. Wait and see what happens to team morale when Yoda kicks half the former players off the team because he is replacing them.

:rollseyes:

Donald Dunlop said...

The NCAA tracks completion/graduation rates of scholarship athletes at each school. Yoda has to take that into consideration as dumping existing players will negatively affect that rating.

It's pretty clear that unless he is going to carry 16 or 17 forwards that at least 2 or 3 players with remaining eligibility won't be invited back. It's not a massacre yet but there sure seems to be some blood in the water.

Anonymous said...

Alls I know is they have 49 recruits signed for the next 3 yrs..That might be the best example of crystalball recruiting ever...why doesnt Yoda just say fuck it and call in the clones to topple the empire..rumor has it they signed finucci for a glass of milk and some oatmeal cookies...

Anonymous said...

Heres the deal ...come up to hell ..its only been 49 below for a week..if you dont like it we will just RELEASE YOU because if I dont win in 2 years my wife might divorice me and I wll have to move back to Nebraska to chase my dream of conquering the force for a 8th place team in the CCHA..but on a bad day in HOMOVille its only 20 below with wind chill but at least there when we release players they have a chance to sign in the Southern Florida League....May the force bend you over!!!!

Donald Dunlop said...

I "ran the number" for Yoda's squad next year:

Total Rostered Players: 27 minus 1 redshirt
Outgoing Seniors: 5 -- 2D, 2F, 1G
Incoming Players: 12 -- 5D, 5F, 2G

Players with less than 10 games this season:
Jeff Young - F
Kyle Jones - F
Jeff Lee - F
Jordan Penaroski - D

Players with less than 20 games this year:
Brandon Knelsen - F
Trevor Hyatt - F

So that's 11 players either leaving this year or likely to be booted in favor of the 12 incoming players. It leaves them with lots of D players next year so I'd suspect that perhaps Dustin and/or Bryant Molle might be on the cutting block as well since they seem to be the current bottom of the rotation with 22 and 24 games apiece.

Is he really going to DUMP 7 or 8 non-graduating players? That would seem unprecedented to me.

Anonymous said...

i don't believe knelsen or hyatt will get cut, but both molle brothers will be, (pissing off daddy even more @ the UA system)

Anonymous said...

Yoda is another Talafous. The word will get out and he'll be cutting all his recruiting ties to Western Canada just like Tally did.

That program is in for some tough times. I'd be very concerned if I were on the team right now.

Anonymous said...

Nobody is another Talofous..That Maniac set the program back 10 years..I dont think there was any human that could have been worse with his players...His tenor may have been the biggest Travesty in College Hockey ever...And we sit here and wonder what tha hell happenend to our program..Who in the Hell Hired him and allowed him to stay for lenth he did?? Players dont have to like you but they have to RESPECT YOU..And the Very best COACHS are liked and Respected no matter there style...Just dont bring Tally/Hitler...

Anonymous said...

No i agree Yoda is another talafous since he is pretty much doing what tali did to uaa


Punk

Anonymous said...

If they screw with the Molles I would luv to see Tim smash Doc..Chebacca vs Yoda..I got my money on Chewy.. and yes tallifool was a MONSTER

Donald Dunlop said...

Just imagining Tim Molle standing in front of Yoda and having a discussion about his kids place on that team is enjoyable.

Anonymous said...

I would like to see the minne article article on players leaving up but cant is the last letter (m) in the sddress??

Anonymous said...

I cant pull up the Prep Article what is the address again

Ryan said...

"I noticed another one of his high powered recruits Jordan Van Guilder just got cut from his junior team"

He was not cut. Jordan broke his ankle in practice and will not play again this season.

Anonymous said...

You should consider getting a life... Just a thought. I'd love for you to post a picture of yourself so everyone could comment on how unattractive you are!

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