Grand Forks versus Fairbanks

The two teams I like least are the next two teams coming to the Sullivan Arena: The Susies and the Nookies. A recitation of my reasoning (or lack of it) for disliking these team isn't in the offing here today though. In the past I've thoroughly taken each place apart and shown when compared to even a semi-cosmopolitan city like Anchorage that they fully don't meet muster. One typical response to unveiling each of them as shitholes-in-their-own-right has been their resident's retorting how they like their town just fine and are happy to be there. Good on them. I'm happy you're happy because anyone with that sort of poor judgement is someone I don't want driving on the roads in my town. With them being synergistically linked schedule-wise I thought I'd take the time to compare and contrast Grand Forks and Fair Banks.

On first glance one might think that both places have the same sort of geographically inspired names. But Fairbanks is actually named for a person instead of the Fairly muddy Banks of the Chena river. Surprised me when I found out. Grand Forks ... not named for a person. I fired off "Google Earth" to have a look at for myself at these Forks which are exaggeratingly labeled Grand. I'd post the view here but nobody ever clicks on the pictures to enlarge them so just take my word for it; nothing particularly Grand there. It's a "Y" spot where a couple of rivers meet. Fairbanks wins just for having gotten it's name honestly. Overselling was apparently a mindset of the founders of GF; something that continues today.

Next I thought I'd compare the general ambience of each place. I give this comparison whole-heartedly to GF. Downtown Fairbanks has a solid 50s/60s feel to it. Does nothing for me. Downtown Grand Forks on the other hand has some wonderful art-deco facades from early in the century that really appeal to me. Outside of downtown, Fairbanks is a mind-numbing mish-mash of roads that meander along the same paths they did when they were nothing more than trails through the sticks connecting homesteads. Grand Forks appears to have grown more in the same style as many other American cities. The further away from downtown you get the more strip-malls and subdivisions you find. Airport Road in Fairbanks is really just too far beyond stupid to get into here. If you're scoring at home that's 1 for GF and 1 for FBX.

Next we have to look at interesting/important infrastructure relevant to each area. I'm going to name two things for Fairbanks and compare/contrast those with a single GF thing. I hope you don't think that is too unfair. Truth is that GF is quite a bit bigger than FBX so I'm trying to even the field here. You already know I'm all about fairness right? For Grand Forks there is one obvious choice. The Ralph Engelstad Arena. Named for the gambling magnate with a nazi fetish who donated $100,000,000 to have it built, the place is a palace rivaling anything that Saddam Hussein built for himself. If it didn't have the faggy NHL sized sheet it would be the best Arena in college hockey. It has a myriad of do-dads to enthrall the insipid masses that fill it for Susie games and it seats over 11,000 of em. It would be a place of pride for ANY city in the 100,000 - 500,000 population range. This is why I have to give Fairbanks two things for this comparison.

Fairbanks has the largest Electric Utility Battery-Backup system in the world. Seriously. THE. If the city of Fairbanks has a power outage the batteries they have could supply about half the city with power for as much as 4 hours. WOW. That's a helluva lotta juice. Long ago I worked what's called "inside plant" for a telephone outfit. They have big banks of batteries to keep the phones working in power outages. You couldn't get me near those little rooms full of batteries. I sure as hell wouldn't want to be in the warehouse full of batteries that Fairbanks must have. Good grief. Fairbanks other claim to fame infrastructure-wise is their shitpile. OK. That wasn't a nice way to describe one of the largest compost facilities anywhere. When whoever it was that decided to crank up a compost heap came up with the idea, he was told Fairbanks was too cold. The folks that told him that were obviously wrong. Fairbank's compost heap is going great guns! Don't snear at it. Composting will save the world one day and I for one am happy to have our neighbors to the north lead the way in turning shit into organic fertilizer.

So what wins here? The Ralph or Batteries and Turds? I say it's a push. Farmers in North Dakota agree with me. The Ralph never did anything to help their Alfalfa come up healthy. But a chance to drive 60 miles to watch some hockey in comfort is something they can appreciate. So yeah ... it's a tie. GF vs. FBX: 1-1-1

If those were the only things that mattered for our comparison then I'd be happy with the outcome. But unfortunately, there are other things that tip the scale dramatically in Grand Forks favor. They have less driving time to a real city. Fairbanks to Anchorage = 361 miles. Grand Forks to Minneapolis = 314 miles or Grand Forks to Duluth = 267. Also you can drive out of Grand Forks in any of four direction and actually get somewhere worthwhile. Drive any direction out of Fairbanks other than south and you end up in no place. Fairbanks does have natural trees and scenery on the horizon, while Grand Forks .. um ... doesn't. Both places get cold enough to freeze a few ounces of water immediately when tossed into the air. So what I'm saying here is that Grand Forks is better than Fairbanks but mostly only due to the fact that it is near the real world and Fairbanks isn't. Fairbanks rules though in the lower average windspeed contest.

2-1-1 for Grand Forks. Nice. I'm expecting a "We're Better Than Fairbanks" cheer next time UND plays at home.