Wednesday, February 25, 2009

The Secret of UAF's Success

One might think that a team who has spent most of the season in the upper half of the CCHA standings and is currently only 2 points out of 3rd place in the league standings would get more national press in the college hockey world. But when you're the most remote school in all of college hockey it apparently takes more than a mildly successful season to get anyone's attention from the eastern-centric hockey press. It's got to be difficult for those folks to wrap their heads around a team that is 4,000 miles away.

Luckily, I'm only 350 miles away from UAF and after extensive research and much analysis I believe I've nailed down exactly why UAF has been (comparitively) going great guns. They hired former boxer/toughman Butterbean to coach the squad.

With no hockey experience Butterbean has instituted a "knockout" policy with regard to his team. If a player causes or contributes to a goal against then that player has to lace up the gloves and face Butterbean in the ring to atone for the mistake. Who the hell is going to let a puck get past them if it means getting pummelled on Monday by Butterbean?

UAF goaltenders Scott "Eggs and" GreenHam and Chad "Pull your" Johnson take not getting beaten up by their coach very seriously. Greenham has a save percentage of .958 in 5 games and Johnson has a save percentage of .937 in 28. Fear is obviously an excellent motivator. I hear that St. Cloud State is currently negotiating with Chuck Norris to become an Assistant Coach. If that happens then what's next? UND hiring Dick Cheney? Minnesota replacing Don Lucia with Mike Tyson?

It's been said that a primary reason that UAA alum Tim Molle got stuck in the AHL and old IHL was because he didn't want to take part in the "staged" fights in those leagues. If he had it's quite possible he would have seen some time in the NHL. When asked about his two sons playing for a former toughman champ Molle reportedly said,
"Both Dustin and Bryant play defense. I'd like to think that their efforts on the ice have contributed greatly to UAF's success this year. Neither one of them has spoken to me about getting beaten up by the coach for any mistakes they've made. So I assume they haven't made any mistakes. I'm not sure getting beaten up is a fair punishment for an error on the ice."
Current Ranger's GM Glenn Sather was a bit more supportive regarding his son's coach,
"Back in Alberta it's common practice to put on 12oz gloves and beat up the kid that caused you to lose. I whole-heartedly support Butterbean's practice of this time honored tradition. I knocked the hell out of Scotty Gomez a couple of weeks ago for a lazy game he played. The next day he picked up a goal and two assists."
Seawolf Coach Dave Shyiak had no comment when contacted for this story but Assistant Coach Regg Simon boldly predicted that if Dave got into the ring with Butterbean that an upset of immense proportions would ensue. Shyiak whoop Butterbean? Regg isn't known for hyperbole so he must know something the rest of us don't. Maybe Shyiak had some secret training sessions with Kimbo Slice?

20 comments:

Jeff said...

Backstrom was wearing the red jersey in practice today. it's good to see that he isn't done for the season

Anonymous said...

UAF sweeps...

Neil said...

I have been waiting for the Butterbean reference all year, thanks for the great story.

Anonymous said...

Looks like UA_ coach lost alot of weight.

Anonymous said...

If Butterbean would quit eating all those donuts, he might lose more! ;)

Just kidding UA_!!

Anonymous said...

Hockey games ain't much good unless the opposing teams hate each other. Looking forward to the weekend as it appears UAA and UAF fit that bill. The hell with league play, this one means something. UAA will pound them. By game two, Fairbanks is just wanna go back home to the security of the long night, stand-by or not. -30-

Donald Dunlop said...

Hopefully Nils will sit out this weekend. Concussions are hockey players worst enemy and they should be given plenty of time to "heal". The team needs him but I worry more about another hit to the head.

Anonymous said...

The Butterbean thing is funny,really funny but Ferguson has to be a canidate for Coach of the year. It took one year and he turned around fairbanks from an absolute debacle to almost 3rd place in the CCHA. It really doesnt have to take years for a program to turn around. Fergy is another example of that. Congratulations and get ready to get your butts kicked UA_.

seawolvesfan said...

Kimbo Slice is a disgrace, he's does not represent UFC. He's a joke, there's a reason why so many MMA guys hate him. He's a fat piece of shit. Just letting you know DD. Very intresting weekend, can't wait for Saturday night

Anonymous said...

UA_ is "almost 3rd" because of who they play. And with the 12 team league, they don't have to play powerhouses two series. I can guarantee they wouldn't be 3rd in the WCHA.

Anonymous said...

i hope uaf moves to the wcha so they can realize how bad they are.

Anonymous said...

ButterBean and the Dump Bears are going down. Fairbanks is not showing Saturday nights game.

Anonymous said...

Why do some of you people hate John Hill? We were his neighbor for five years and we use to go running with him around the neighborhood. He told us his wife didn't like Alaska very much,but he said he loved it! And he said he had a tough time leaving the program. Best of luck to him in his career in Minnesota. Hopefully UAA makes it to the Final Five,but remember that John Hill is the only coach that brought us there, and hopefully coach Shyiak will bring us to the Final Five too. Just thought that I would write this to let you people know how nice of a person he really is.

wolfman said...

Go SEAWOLVES!!!! BEAT UAF!

Anonymous said...

Hey Donald, Do we have permission to biatch about John Hill? Or Should we wait until the end of the season when there is nothing else to talk about?

Donald Dunlop said...

The animosity toward John Hill comes from his decision to leave the program and tell lies to the press about his reasons. He came here and called it his "dream job" and then when he left threw the program under the bus by claiming he left because his assistants weren't being paid enough (after he'd renegotiated his own contract the year before).

Why didn't he get his assistants more at the same time he renegotiated his contract? Because it really wasn't the issue. It came out relatively quickly that his wife didn't like it here. He should have manned up and said something like, "I'm leaving for family reasons." instead of bullshit excuses that didn't hold water. Or maybe he should have bought her a "light box" like so many others here use to deal with their Seasonal Affected Disorder. Truth is ... she missed the social cachet that being the asst coaches wife at UofM gave her.

Also as long time fans of the game it was hard to understand how going from a WCHA Head Coach back to an Assistant Coach gig made sense. Minnesota fans would say being an assistant at UofM is better than being a head coach at UAA but that's a load of shit.

Hillers will never get another head coaching job at this level or above. He'll finish his coaching career as an assistant to Don Lucia wherever Lucia ends up after his UofM career ends.

And oh yeah ... John Hill might have been the coach that took UAA to the one Final Five appearance BUT he is also the coach that lead the Seawolves to a season with ONE victory.

Anonymous said...

There is no excuse for some of the crap that Hill spewed when he left. I heard him say on TV "I want to be associated with a program that can content for a national title year in and year out". ie UAA sucks and Minnesota is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

I personally have spoken to his family members and they too are very upset with him, even now. If they are, you can imagine how UAA fans are.

Anonymous said...

The Seawolves will get their asses handed to them this weekend. The cup is coming back to Fairbanks.

Anonymous said...

The COLD & DARKNESS must be getting to them. UAF has No chance this weekend!

Anonymous said...

what the fuuuck is a seawolf?!

go nanoooks(: you'll get um next year.

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