Thursday, February 25, 2010

Que Orinar En El Oso Polar

Stolen Footage Cut From The "Danger Zone" UAF Hockey Promo

Here are some suggestions for those UAA fans in attendance Friday night with regard to proper treatment of UA_ fans who will unfortunately also be in the building:

Never under any circumstances should you ....
  • Give their penny loafers a flat tire ...
  • Do a farmer-style nose blow onto the blue/gold jersey holding up progress in front of you ...
  • Advise them where the beer section is ...
  • Tell them where the restrooms are ...
  • Chant ... "Nuck the Fanooks clap clap ... clap clap clap ..."
  • Give a large conglomeration of them the "double-bird" ...
  • Eat a double-bean burritto and save the gas until you're in a group of them ...
  • Laugh at their small penises ...
  • Grab their little stuffed white bears and rip the stuffing out of it without giving them $10 to replace it ...
Always try to be nice ...
  • Ask their name and then say, "Oh ... Charlie Sokaitis was looking for you I think" ... then point to the opposite corner of the rink and add, "He's over there" ...
  • Answer all questions smiling with the following Spanish phrase, "Que orinar en el oso polar" ...
  • From behind, tap them on the left shoulder as you pass them on the right ...
You know you're from Fairbanks if ...
  • You get lost in a Multiplex Theater ...
  • The blue book value of your truck varies according to how much gas is in the tank ...
  • You wake up with a black eye and a hickey ...
  • You think Sherlock Holmes is a housing development in North Pole ...
  • You think Genitalia is an Italian Airline ...
  • You pack a .44 Magnum when you visit the Alaska Zoo ...
  • You and your dogs piss on the same tree ...
  • The Salvation Army thrift store refuses your mattress donation ...
  • You ever got too drunk to fish ...
  • Your wedding reception included a beer brunch ...
  • You bring your own sacramental wine to church ...
  • You ever cut the grass and found a car ...
  • Your coffee table used to be a cable spool ...
  • Directions to your house include, "turn onto dirt road" ...
  • Your porch collapses and kills more than 3 dogs ...
  • You called 8th grade your "Senior Year" ...
  • Foreplay talk includes "There's no cars coming babe" ...
  • Your mom taught you how to sneak booze into hockey games ...
  • You come home from the dump with more than you took ...


How do you make a Nanook fan laugh on Friday night?  Tell him a joke last Monday.
Why don't Nanook fans eat soup?  They can't get it to stay on their fork.
Know how to save a drowning Nanook?  Take your foot off his head.
Whats the difference between a Nanook and a bucket of shit?  The bucket.
How do you make a Nanook fan's eyes sparkle?  Shine a flashlight in their ear.
I was at a bar once in Fairbanks celebrating another Seawolf victory and asked the bartender if he wanted to hear a funny Nanook joke.  He looks at me and says, listen dude ... I was on the rifle team at UAF, that big guy over there played 3 years of Hockey for the Nanooks in the 80's and the man next to you used to coach the Basketball team.  So do you really want to tell us a Nanook joke?  I said, "No I guess not, I don't want to explain it three times."
A Nanook fan went moose hunting.  Way out in the sticks he finds a beautiful naked woman.  She looks at him with bedroom eyes.  He gets excited and says, "Are you game?" ... she replies, "Of course silly."  So he shoots her.
What does the UAA Alumni say to the UA_ Alumni?  "Will the defendant please rise"
How does a Nanook puck bunny turn on the lights after sex?  She opens the car door.
What do they call a crime ring in Fairbanks?  The basketball team's starting five.
How do you keep a UA_ Nanook hockey player out of your driveway?  Paint a blue crease in front of it.
What do you call twenty Nanook fans falling from the sky?  Skeet.
How do you start a small business in Fairbanks?  Open a large business then put a UAF grad in charge.
What do Nanook fans use for birth control?  Their personalties.
Did you hear the UA_ library burned down?  Damn shame ... half the books hadn't been colored in yet.
What do you get when you put 32 'Nook fans in a room?  A full set of teeth.
What did the average Nanook hockey player get on his SAT's?  Drool.
How do you get a UA_ Alum off your doorstep?  Pay him for the pizza.
How do you starve a UA_ Alum?  Hide the food stamps under the soap.

50 comments:

UAAalumni09 said...

Love the UAF Training Accident video

Amanda M said...

It's so funny that you're so confident in your team...uhh where is your team in the Pairwise??? Where is your team in the national polls?? You're like the school bully who says/does mean things because you do it to make yourself feel better about how pathetic you/your team really is...

Donald Dunlop said...

Amanda,
That's because unlike you, I recognize that the level of competition in the WCHA so far surpasses the CCHA that 10th place in the WCHA = 4th place in the CCHA.

I also don't look to some guy sitting in New York state who pencils in RIT onto his poll ballot every week for confidence about the team I write about.

What you have no clue about is that week in and week out here, I insult, degrade and/or poke fun at teams that are far superior to the Hobbit-laden Nanook squad. You're over-sensitivity to those efforts this week doesn't change that.

I'm happy you mentioned "Pairwise" because it displays your ignorance. Pairwise means NOTHING until the day it is officially calculated. If you want to measure relative strength between a couple of teams in the future, use RPI and/or KRACH.

Lastly, you have absolutely no clue about what sort of person I am. Be glad for that. As I'm glad that your abilities to discern what sort of person I am from what I write here are a complete failure.

Your fanbase would love it if I were writing for them. Just as the UAA fans that visit here are happy about what I do. You've got a good blogger up there. Go visit their page and support them with your comments instead of whining here ... ok?

Thanks.

Donald Dunlop said...

UAA09:
I probably should have overdubbed that first video with the "Highway to the Danger Zone" tune but I liked the "Thuds" too much to do that.

My favorite is the "Terry the Bi, Bi-Polar Polar Bear" though.

Suze said...

That first video is seriously disturbing. My fav is also Terry the Bi, B-Polar Polar Bear, man I got a good laugh from that one.

Donald Dunlop said...

Amanda,
You may live in a free country but guess what?

Even though you said nothing out of line that would normally spur me to delete a comment, I deleted yours anyway just because you said ...

I can visit this page and comment as I please, free country, isn't it great? I know you think so.

See? Now I think that's fucking funny. And it's not because I'm a bully ... it's because I'm a dick.

Amanda M said...

Congratulations...and that's exactly why I'm glad you support UAA and not my team...

You are SUCH a badass for deleting comments :)

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

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Donald Dunlop said...

LMAO

UAAalumni09 said...

Amanda,
you wrote something about freedom to have your message deleted?

AK Dreamin said...

Amanda, your special ed teacher called. It appears she caught you visiting a website that requires reading comprehension skills that far exceed your own.

But alas, this comment is a futile waste of time as you probably can't understand its contents anyway.

Amanda M said...

Awww look at you using big words AK Dreamin! I bet your mommy is proud, but learn to spell dreaming correctly...k?

How long did it take you to post that comment considering I'm sure you had to re-read it and use spell check a few times? Not to mention the word verification probably kicked your ass a few times.

Amanda M said...

Here's the rebuttle to the Nanooks training video....


.....

.....

.....


OH WAIT NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK A SEAWOLF IS SO THERE ISN'T A VIDEO!



And another thing, you think you're players are so great? Where are they in the national awards? Don't see any Seawolves as candidates...

Jimjamesak said...

Ahh the old UAF stand by comeback: "Uh uh uh uh uh uh I don't know what else to say so 'What's a Seawolf?'"

Amanda M said...

It's just as clever as 'You can't spell failure without UAF'

Anonymous said...

The Minnesota team having a terrible year have something to do with your snarky attitude, UAF Ice Angel?

Amanda M said...

And jim's good ol' comeback of saying that's the only comeback we have...did you forget how to finish reading? I did ask a question of where your players are in the national awards...and no response from you.

Amanda M said...

Ummm...I only cheered for Minnesota because that's where my husband is from and he supports my teams, so I support his. I could give two shits about where Minnesota ends up, although it was great getting to see the Seawolves lose in another state!

Anonymous said...

national awards don't win you championships.

AK Dreamin said...

Amanda:
Obviously you missed that the word 'Dreamin' in my tag was spelled that way intentionally, but I should have expected that from a nooks retard such as yourself.

Amanda M said...

You can't help where you are born and raised, I'm sure you know all about that being in Anchorage you poor poor thing. But yeah if you like calling those who serve your country fags then I feel sorry for you and hope you can step up to the job and fight for you're right to be an asshole, then please, take my husbands job. I'd rather see you in battle than him.

Amanda M said...

Dreamin,
OBVIOUSLY you think too highly of yourself to think that I wouldn't know that. But when you come off with a comment that I'm a retard and can't comprehend things, I'm going to take a stab back at you. Get over yourself.

Donald Dunlop said...

Isn't it fun enough that Amanda came here an embarrassed herself so completely? Do we UAA fans really have to stoop to the "fag" personal attack?

I deleted it ... so don't repeat it. Thanks.

Amanda M said...

Definitely not embarrassed, so don't speak for me.

AK Dreamin said...

Amanda M: Well, OBVIOUSLY you didn't seem to catch on to that little notion when you posted your first rebuttal.

But enough with you. Go back to your crappy little Nooks blog so they can coddle your piddling intellect there...

Donald Dunlop said...

And so anyway ....

Nobody asked about the title of this post? Whut?

Amanda M said...

Donald if you've known me for the past oh, 7 years or so, you would know I will say what I want, when I want and on whatever forum I want. Ask Suze and Jimjames. They may not like me or ever agree with me, but they know I speak my mind.

Donald Dunlop said...

Amanda,
You may not be embarrassed, nevertheless you embarrassed yourself. That's all fine. We enjoyed watching you stomping your feet and cutting/pasting the UAA SUCKS thing.

No doubt you just thought it would be fun to make me delete them. Too bad it didn't occur to you that it was funnier for me to leave them there. And seriously, don't deny it was you. When I say I KNOW it was you ... you should believe me.

In any case, your little hobbits will get a taste of how men play hockey this weekend.

Amanda M said...

Did I ever deny it? Nope, and you're right it was funny for me, but I'm glad you got a good laugh out of it too. You really think I care about your opinion of me, that's even funnier, say what you want it doesn't phase me.

Anonymous said...

Amanda,

Of course Donald's reply phased you. If it didn't, why bother responding?

Either way, posting 'UAA Sucks' ad-nauseum was pretty childish of you. If you want to deride the Seawolves, try to think of something a little more creative next time.

Amanda M said...

And Donald deleting a comment because as he said, 'because i'm a dick'...isn't childish?

Just because I reply to something means I'm phased by it? News to me, you must be phased by what I said then if you felt a need to say something to me.

Anonymous said...

dang, who made that polar bear vid? Top notch.

Anonymous said...

Which one? LOL. I'm still in awe of the polar bear propelling himself with his own poop jet.

Anonymous said...

The one donald posted. Some really tough 3D work in there. Reactive physics and ragdolling requires huge amounts of invested time.

Anonymous said...

and DTP just keeps showing how "classy" he is.

Donald Dunlop said...

Exactly, because what's better than treating your collegiate hockey rival with class?

I mean, if there ever was a time in life be classy ... come on ... forget weddings, funerals, masked balls, museum dedications and key to the city proclamations; your hockey rival is coming to town.

Time to be classy.

Anonymous said...

_airbanks fans are ones to talk about being classy. :rollseyes:

UAA Fan (not)in Florida said...

Actually, repeating UAA sucks 30 some odd times, and 'Whats a Seawolf?' are not fucking nearly as clever as 'You can't spell 'Failure without UAF', or 'wait for it,' UA_. Deal with it, UAF Ice Angel, I thought you had some class at one point, but now, you have none. I do hope your hubby comes back alive and well. He is sacrificing himself for the USA,(unjust as some think it is.)I want them ALL to come home..

UAA Fan (not)in Florida said...

I'm not to impressed with the UA_ training video, too close to home. The polar bear shitting in the water and then trying get a whiff, thats priceless.

What happened when the old UA_ alum at the atm asked the nice polar bear behind her to 'check her balance?'

He pushed her over!

Donald Dunlop said...

I seriously expect a question or comment regarding the title of this post at some point ...

But oh well ...

It means ...

We Piss On Your Polar Bears

And no, I don't really know why I chose to make it in Spanish ... I guess I was just trying to be classy.

Alaskana said...

Donald, sorry none of us bit on your title post... If was pretty clever to do it in Spanish, though. Google translator interpreted it to be 'we piss IN you polar bears... lol. I guess that could work too ;)

Donald Dunlop said...

LOL. I shoulda asked someone or tried more than one translator to be sure. Damnit! I'll never trust an internet translator again.

Ted said...

"Awww look at you using big words AK Dreamin! I bet your mommy is proud, but learn to spell dreaming correctly...k?"

So dropping the g on dreaming is bad, but dropping the other letters of okay is smart?

Apparently logic courses not required in_airbanks.

Maybe someone should tell the team it is Saturday tonight.

richl49 said...

DropthePuck, your blog is awesome - unlike this comments thread.

Even as a UAF fan I was chuckling at some of your jokes (and thinking some of them like the dog and the man pissing on the same tree - but not in the same bear - are probably true).

¿QuĂ© es un lobo de mar?

Donald Dunlop said...

Rich:
Thanks. Just trying to mix hockey and entertainment for my UAA readers.

Anon B4 Rich:
I deleted you comment because regular readers here have already seen my court history when some other creepy fucking stalker from North Dakota posted them here earlier this season. Congrats on being so petty and obsessed that you go and search a college hockey bloggers court history.

Consider seeking some mental health assistance. Seriously. That's fucked up.

Yes, I had some speeding tickets, I got caught driving on studded tires and had some loan defaults. I'm not the best human that ever lived but then again, I've never searched court records for someone I didn't know and posted them on their blog in an attempt to embarrass them.

For the record, I've never been arrested or put in jail for anything. I've never murdered, raped or pillaged anyone.

Oh .. and one more thing. Your mother sucks cocks in hell anonymously you deranged fucking piece of shit. Get some balls you fucking puke and put your real name on the post the next time you comment. Fucking cowardly wanker.

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