Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Reasons To Hate Bemidji?


It's possible, yet mostly unlikely that you might not be aware that I really (as Justin Bourne says) "sports hate" all the other WCHA teams.  I think it's part of my function here.  This is a blog for fans.  It's meant to relate to the fan experience.  Hating the other guy is part of that.  And let's be clear, I'm not an equal opportunity hater.

I reserve special levels of haterism for some teams while cutting a wee bit of slack to others.  I rag on the bergs of certain teams while laying off some others.  I suppose it's just whatever I find to be most ludicrous that gets my attention.  Some shit presents an easy target.  I like the easy targets, I'm lazy.  

This season of course there are two new teams ripe for my derision; The Bemidji State Beavers and the Nebraska-Omaha Mavericks.  And since they're travelling to Bemidji this week, then I feel it's my responsibility to edify everyone about the true nature of this newest and podunkest of the podunkbergs in the league.

First.  Don't watch much more than a minute or so of the video below.  I personally can't make it much longer than that because quite frankly ... it's dumber than the "HAARP Rainbows" video I made you watch last week.  I know that's hard to believe.




How delusional is Lumpy?  At the 14 second mark on the video you get a shot of the back of Lumpy's T-shirt.  It says ... "The Matt Album ... Featuring .. Last Shot ... MVP ... Volume 1 ... In Stores Now???"  Someone once said, " Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son."  Sage advice.

You may have noticed the strange picture at the top of the post.  Here's the backstory.  Bemidji is little and really boring.  So this past summer in order to attempt to inject some life in the otherwise lifeless hell on earth the residents endure, the city sponsored some sort of street sculpture with a "Beavers" theme.  

The picture is the submission from Deborah A. Davis.  Do I really have to explain what you're seeing?  Anyway, as soon as the sculptures were "installed" on the downtown streets there was quite the uproar from some of the more tight-assed folks in the community.  As you might guess, there are lots of old people of northern European extraction who tend to be pretty Victorian about such things.  Naturally, the city took the thing down.  

But of course, as soon as they took it down ... the arts community rallied to get the thing put back up.  I'm sure it was quite the 1st Amendment Constitutional battle.  The "arts" folks beat the "old weejuns" and the sculpture was reinstalled in all it's full vaginal glory.  Yay for the Constitution right?  I do have to ask here ... which idiot government representative in that town thought "beavers" would make a good theme and didn't anticipate exactly what they got?

So in a city of just under 12,000 folks there's both Matt Brown and Deborah A. Davis?  I humbly submit that there's not enough room in that berg for both of them.  I've got to side with Debs though and recommend that they expel Matt post-haste.

Bemidji is boring.  I said that right?  Seriously, there is zero interesting history associated with it.  Duluth has it's early 1900's lynching of 3 African-Americans, Mankato has the world record for mass hanging of Native-Americans.  Buttmidji (as RWD blogger Donna calls them) doesn't have anything in that range off human offense.  By the way, I totally stole that dumb video from her blog where she made fun of it last January.

Sure, Bemidji got in on the whole Manifest Destiny trend of the late 19th Century but it seems they were mostly nice to the local Indians and with only somewhere around 800 African-Americans residing there and pretty much all the Native American's living in one of the three refugee camps surrounding the town it appears they've got the race issues that plague so many other cities in the U.S. well in hand eh?  

The highlight of the Bemidji history tour seems to the the first U.S. Postmaster's three or four year battle to get the bigwigs in D.C. to change the "official" name from Bermidji to Bemidji.  After that tussle it's pretty much been downhill in terms of excitement.

So what's there to see and do in Bemidji.  Um how many places do you want to visit that are called Paul Bunyan?  Cause Buttmidji has more joints called Paul Bunyan something than any other place in the world. Yeah they do.

What else?  A ski area called Buena Vista.  Buena Vista means "good view".  Um ... subjectivvve!  There's the Forestedge Winery ... yum .. Rhubarb Wine.  Yeah .. you betcha.  I'm sure the Summer Blush Strawberry-Rhubarb has the "old weejuns" pining for the fjords.  Rounding out the cultural excitement there is the exciting Cover Wagon Rides, Paul Bunyan's Animal Land (on Highway 2!) and Bemidji Woolen Mills.  I know ... quite the breathtaking lineup eh?

As far as I can tell, the best restaurants in town are located on one of the many Paul Bunyan streets, boulevards, drives, parkways or circles.  There is one Chinese restaurant and one Mexican place.  I can't recommend the Mexican joint since the one review I found for it online said it had "terrable service".  There appears to be two Dairy Queens.

I wonder if anyone has ever pissed on the Paul Bunyan and Babe The Blue Ox statues?  Not that I'm in any way suggesting that anyone from Alaska who might happen to be in Bemidji this week should consider doing that.  Ok Richard?

Yeah, we'll get to hockey tomorrow.  Yeah ... you betcha.  I have a secret treat planned that hopefully works out for later in the week.  If it doesn't happen you won't miss it, but if it does it might be great.

24 comments:

BBEF said...

My stepsister got beaver fever one time – no joke. Apparently it really isn’t uncommon.

Donald Dunlop said...

250mg of Flagyl (Metronidazole) 3 times a day for 5 days is an effective treatment for Giardiasis.

Anonymous said...

You're already in midseason form Donald!!! From a BSU alum, that's a great run down of Bemidji. Tip of the hat.

Go Beavers!!

Anonymous said...

I am not sure Donald could find Bemidji if he was standing in front of it. Holy Cow!

BBEF said...

@ Anon 4:30 - People actually graduate from BSU? I thought it was more like Florida where old people go to die. I guess you learn something new every day…
PS – I heard Serratore will get replaced with Wade Phillips if he can’t find a few wins this weekend. I guess we just have to wait and see – or – leave it to beaver – you decide.

Runninwiththedogs said...

Dirty's doppelganger is at the 2:38 mark!

Anonymous said...

Being smack dab in between two different Indian reservations (Red Lake and Leech Lake) I've heard Bemidjii has more than it's fair share of confrontational problems as a result. Not that that is something to poke fun at, but is something interesting that non-locals may not be aware of.

marooned said...

I went to BSU and actually had a good time but you pretty much nailed it. Not much happens and the art community did seem to have a sense of undeserved self importance. I look back fondly on the amazingly dense professors and winning the '93 division II championship.

I think GCI is going to show both of these games on tv.

Green Hornet said...

IMO, the Bemidiji area is one of the best areas to hunt and fish in the upper midwest. It has the up north feel to it that St. Cloud, Omaha, Grand Forks and Mankato don't have. If the area had mountains you would think you were in Alaska.

Donald said...

And of course besides the mountains there'd be the nearly overwhelming presence of Moose, Bears, Wolves, Dall Sheep, Mountain Goats, Lynx, Coyotes, Salmon, Halibut, Whales, Dolphins, Orca and so on ... but otherwise yeah ... I bet people mistake it for Alaska all the time. ;-)

And trust me ... I know there's a couple of Moose in northwest Minnesota ... but I've looked at more than a few articles regarding those drastically declining populations.

Anonymous said...

Bemidji atleast has one of the nicest hockey arena's in the country. Anchorage has one of the ugliest arena's every constructed in the world. Ugly outside, ugly inside, terrible design.

Donald Dunlop said...

LOL @ "nicest in the country". Just because it's new doesn't mean it's of the nicest hockey arenas in the country. I've seen the joint. There are more than a few cities that built nicer arena's for their Jr. A teams. So don't get all worked up into a froth about the BREC being that fucking nice.

It's fine. It's not one of the nicest arenas in the country.

Anonymous said...

DD tell him how nice the Sully is! The ONLY good thing about Bemidji is their standing in the WCHA.:)

Anonymous said...

Let's compare suicide rates between Anchorage and Bemidji. Anchorage is the king of suck holes in the winter! Let's see, should I go to a seawolves game or maybe just kill myself? I attended my first hockey game at the BREC and witnessed the 4-0 pounding of the seawolves. What the hell is a seawolf any way? It is apparent a seawolf can't swim by the way they drowned the other night!

Anonymous said...

As I see it the only reason you "hate" bemidji is because we have a beaver with a beaver and your mad because you havent got any beaver for o lets say your whole life.Also seawolf? Wolfs are not from the sea im pretty sure they wouldn't even last 5 minutes in there.

Nick Ross said...

Oh Alaska Anchorage. As a current student at Bemidji State, and a resident of the Twin Cities, I am both a Beaver and a Gopher fan. The Beaver fan in me is borderline hesitant to talk crap in a league we just entered, but the Gopher fan in me knows what a joke the Seawolves are. I'll keep it on the Beavers though, since obviously you have a little tiff about Beavers. Firstly, the Beavers have been Division 1 for nine years, and have made 4 National Tournaments, in the history of UAA, you have made 3...just sayin. Also, would you like to know what the Frozen Four is like? Cuz we've been there also, and we beat the top team in the nation getting there, as Matt Brown so eloquently stated in his song. I do however think it's cute that you guys finally discovered the internet up there in Alaska. Also, prior to being Division 1, the Beavers won 13 national championships, had have over 900 wins in the history of the program, I don't care what level, that is a lot. Since your reasons for hating Bemidji extended outside of the arena, and into the town. I'm gonna let you in on a little information, your town slogan, is "You can only get here by train." Talk about an easy target. When I look for a city to live in, that is my first priority, only getting there by train. Congrats on your 5-4 victory over us, because it is the last time you will ever win a game in Bemidji. From one sports writer to another, keep the banter on the games, away from the cities, because you are from Alaska. The only reason half the country knows you are a part of the U.S. is because of Sarah Palin.

Anonymous said...

Actually... it is the other way around. We send the old weejuns to Florida to die. There are two mexican resturants.... two chinese resturants and many awesome burger places. Our name comes from a proud tradition of working hard. A past president of BSU had given us this name because during a football game when it was a state college he noticed how they all "work hard like beavers." The outdoors is what will captivate any person looking for peace and serenity. Besides, where else can you attend a university next to a lake where you can set up a fish house in the winter (boat in the spring/fall) and catch a few and then head to class? The lack of diversity may be a concern those new comers but how much do you expect when you are so far north you are almost to Canada? We have Canadians, American Indians (Three lovely bands that do surround Bemidji) exchange students from Malaysia,Korea,Japan and some from India. So for a person thats looking to love nature, learn about the cultural history and doesn't mind being called a beaver, BSU is right for you!

Anonymous said...

Glad to see they have computers in Alaska. as the creator of the beaver nation rap song, i'm curious as to why you didnt like the video. If you look at the lyrics, for someone to write a song based on a team or event, and stick with that for the 3.5 minutes, is pretty good.

Anonymous said...

Wow whats all the hate one bemidji for?? Somebody must have nothing to do but hate on other places. Sure sounds like you live in a "Amazing" place. And that staue yes it looks like a vagina but its interesting. And about Matt Brown he is actually a really nice guy and a good friend.So stop being stupid and dissing on people. Lets see a picture of you.... im sure your not good looking because all you do it put down others. Grow up you will be the one thats a groupie for a school the rest of his life because he has nothing better to do.

Anonymous said...

GO MATT BROWN!

Anonymous said...

Could you be more hateful for no good reason?

Bemidji is comparable to other college towns of similar population in terms of amenities, activities, etc.

And Matt Brown is a nice guy. Sure, the video is pretty hilarious...but really, the personal attack? Come on. You're an ass.

Anonymous said...

Wait, what? Negative comments directed at the blog owner will be deleted?

That's bush league.

Anonymous said...

Matt Brown is inspirational to all of us music writer's.....don't be dissing on someone's talents. Have you ever even been to Bemidji!?!? Don't be hating!

Nick Ross said...

Is Donald Dunlop at a loss for words? How bout this, next time you guys play in Bemidji, you travel with the team, and you and I will sit down at Mi Rancho, have a few imported beers and discuss this? I bet you would learn to love Bemidji.

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