A "Unique" Interview With Tom Serratore

Back on opening day of the Kendall Classic I was privileged to receive an invitation via the kindness of super-booster Kathy Klos to attend tournament's Coaches Luncheon at the Sheraton.  While meeting Kathy and discovering a political affinity was one highlight; I'd be lying if I didn't say that Air Force Frank Serratore stole the show.  

Naturally since the Seawolves are playing the team coached by Frank's brother this weekend it got me thinking.  Could Tom possibly be as funny as Frank?  Then in a flash of inspiration I said to myself, "Ask him dummy."  So I did.  

The following email exchange is what ensued.

Dear Coach Serratore,
I've been writing a hockey fan blog covering the UAA Seawolves for the past five
years and in the spirit of acquiring new content I'm hoping you'll have time
this week to help out and educate my readers about your program.  Let me say
that you're the first opposition WCHA coach in five years that I've tried to
contact.  The primary reason is not that there's pretty much no way in hell that
any other coach would consider answering me.  Honestly the reason is that I tend
to be pretty much an asshole and I suspect they're aware of that.

In any case, the reason I hope you'll be the first is that when I attended the
coaches luncheon here in Anchorage for the tournament we host every year I found
your brother Frank to be fucking hilarious.  He was far and away the funniest
Coach I've ever seen speak.  He just about had us rolling on the floor.  Now,
since I know he's got a great sense of humor ... I'm just hoping you do as well.

Please read through my questions before deciding whether to participate.  For
some reason UAA actually grants me a press credential.  If you don't think
you're as funny as Frank then feel free to completely ignore this email.  I
promise to keep any additional commentary respectful and minimal as the initial
plan is to just publish the questions as formatted below with your entire
responses.  If you like, I'd even be happy to allow you to preview the post
prior to publishing it.

1. Why is your brother Frank so damned funny?  Can you account for any one
specific or series of incidents as you were growing up that made him turn out
that way?  Did it have anything to do with him being a goalie? Who would you say
is funnier .. him or you?  Who do you think he would say is funnier?  How many
people have either or both of you killed with laughter at Thanksgiving family
dinners?

2. Without promoting or recommending any specific restaurant in Bemidji when
you're stuck in the office late on a Tuesday or Wednesday night watching
opposition film and trying to gauge tendencies ... would you order take out from
the Chinese restaurant or the Mexican restaurant there in town?  And do you have
to wait 45 minutes for it to get there like I do here in Anchorage?

3. If you and Frank go fishing together in one of the many lakes in your area
who always catches the bigger King Salmon bait?  My readers are always asking me
whether they should use Muskie or Walleye to troll for King Salmon and I'm
unsure as to the answer.

4. If Frank were a car, what make and model would he be?  If you were a car,
what make and model would you be?  What make and model do you think Frank would
say you'd be?

5. And my one serious question ... what sort of game do you expect the Seawolves
to bring to your fabulous new rink this weekend?  What does your scouting tell
you about the Seawolves?  What did Frank tell you?

Thanks in advance.  I hope you receive this in the humorous manner it was
intended.  I recognize that my style of blogging isn't everyone's cup of tea but
hope you'll participate and be my first online interview with a WCHA Head Coach.
I want to wish you Good Luck this weekend but that's really really hard for me
to do since I'm sick with sports love for my team.  But hey ... at least I typed
the words!
Best Regards,
Donald M. Dunlop
http://uaafan.blogspot.com/

As you can see I was hopeful for a response but didn't really expect one.  Lest we forget the part about me being asshole, getting anything back from an opposition head coach would be surprising.  Naturally, I was pleasantly surprised to see a response some hours later.

Don - I appreciate the email. It was unique.  I refuse to answer long questions via email. It takes too much time. Frank is funny as heck; too many pucks to the head when he was growing up, As fas as holidays are concerned, think about our family and extended family of Italians. Theirs tons of food, arguing, and talking with hands.

As far as a scouting report goes, I haven't spoke to Frank about UAA. We can download games on the WCHA server. I have to sign off, because I have a reservation at my favorite restaurant in Bemidji! Take care.

Tom

Now; I must say here that I completely understand the part about it taking too much time to answer long questions.  I suppose only someone with an equally obtuse sense of humor to mine would take the time to go through my somewhat facetious questions and answer them.  So I think we can make the determination here that Tom Serratore isn't as funny as me.  Ergo, he is definitely not as funny as Frank.  Notice however, that Tom doesn't explicitly state that Frank is funnier.  And of course, he does sneak a joke in there at the end.  So maybe, just maybe Tom is secretly funnier than Frank.

Who thinks I should email Bob Motzko next week?  Should I test my theory that no other WCHA coach would even bother to answer and email all the opposition coaches during game week?  Does anyone else really think Eaves, Lucia or Hakstol would give me even the time of day?  Not to mention Gwoz?  Maybe Scotty Owens would if I stayed away from the Ron Jeremy questions.? Dean Blais made an appearance on Dave Letterman once ... maybe he'd answer a series of questions about living in Omaha?  If I did proceed with this it's important to note that I'd do it in the exact same vain as above.

Now... Happy Veterans Day to me.  Wouldn't it be unbelievable if some awesomely rich supporter of Veteran's recognized the protection from the Soviet Union and Communism that I supplied during my military service by donating $1000.00 via the Chip-In?  We didn't have a nuclear war ... remember?  That was in no large part due to my vigilance maintaining the ITT465L Strategic Automated Command and Control System while assigned to SAC Headquarters from 1982 - 1984.  So um ... rich veteran's supporter readers be aware of that eh?