Monday, February 07, 2011

Helping The Humorless in North Dakota

How about we start this week off with some light humor prior to getting around to the two important games this weekend.  Hopefully, this will get the week off to a fun start.  I didn't write these jokes.  I adapted some of them slightly for thematic purposes.  Some you may have heard, some not.  If you're from the polite end of society then I'm thinking not.  Yeah, some of them are pretty offensive.

How does a woman in Grand Forks turn on the lights after sex?
She opens the car door.

Where do North Dakotan's go on vacation?
A different bar.

Dirty got a shiny new bicycle over the summer.  Apparently he was walking on the UND campus when a beautiful woman from South Dakota came riding up on it.  She dismounted the bike, ripped all her clothes off and said, "Take what you want!"  Dirty mentioned the bra wasn't his cup size though.

Why is OJ Simpson considering moving to North Dakota?
Everyone there has the same DNA.

Dirty was out walking his neighbor's dog when his Grandma sees him and says, "What are you doing with that flea-bitten dirtbag?"
And the dog answers, "Bark ... bark bark bark.  Bark bark bark bark."

Dirty was hanging out with a couple of friends during 4th grade recess .  One was a Gopher fan, the other a Bemidji State fan.  The Bemidji kid suggests a new game, "Let's play ... Who has the biggest dick?" and whips his out.  The Gopher kid laughs and drops his drawers to show one twice it's size.  Dirty unzips and puts the Gopher penis to shame by at least 2 times in length and girth. Later that night while eating dinner at Grandma's, she asks how school was.  Dirty says, "Great, we had a math test and we read about Paul Bunyan and at recess we had a "Who has the biggest dick" contest.  And I won!!! "WHAT?", she exclaimed!  "Yeah," says Dirty, "The other boys said it was because I was a Fighting Sioux fan.  Do you think that's why Grandma?" Grandma answered, "No son.  It's because you're twenty-six years old."

What is bruised, bloody and hates sex?
The 12-year old in Dirty's trunk.

What's a North Dakotan woman's most common phrase uttered during sex?
Dad, your wrinkling my Fighting Sioux replica jersey.

A South Dakotan, Minnesotan and a North Dakotan were on on the prison bus headed for jail.  They were each allowed to take one personal item to help occupy their time while incarcerated.  The North Dakotan asked each what they brought.  The South Dakotan said, "I brought these paints and brushes so I could get in touch with my artistic side in jail."  The Minnesotan said, "I brought this deck of cards so I can play solitaire and make my time pass quickly."  They both then asked what the North Dakotan brought.  He said, "This box of tampons."  The Minnesotan asks (after a brief silence), "What do you think you can do with those?" The North Dakotan replies, "Well it says right here on the box I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating ...."

How did the North Dakotan girl know her mother was having her period?
Because her brother's dick tasted funny.
In North Dakota how do you stop a small dog from humping your leg?
Pick him up and suck his dick.
How many North Dakotans does it take to shingle a roof?
Depends on how thinly you slice them.

What's the most confusing holiday for North Dakota's children?
Father's Day.

A down on their luck Grand Forks married couple decides the only way to make ends meet is for her to sell her body on a street corner.  At the end of the first day, the husband stops to pick her up and asks, "Well, how did it go?  How much money did you make?" She answers, "Two-Hundred dollars and 50 cents."  "Uff-da," says the man, "Who gave you 50 cents?" and she answers, "All of them, honey."

North Dakotans like their women how they like their whiskey ... Twelve years old and mixed with coke.

A young North Dakotan girl walked in on her parents having sex one day.  A couple of hours later she asks her dad, "Daddy, when am I going to get boobies like on Mommy's chest?" He answers, "When you get older sweet pea."  She pauses for a moment and asks, "When am I going to get a penis like the one between your legs?"  The North Dakota father replies, "Just as soon as your mom leaves for work."

Dirty's neighbor was walking his dog when Dirty's Grandma pulls up into her driveway.  She get's out of the minivan and grabs a couple of plastic bags.  Curious as to what's in the bags he shouts from across the street, "Whatcha got there Mable?" She waves at the neighbor and says, "I got some cookies for my grandson." To which the neighbor just replies, "Good trade."
So there's that.

Can you believe that video only has four views?  Two of them were me deciding whether to post it here or not.  Flat?  Check.  Treeless? Check.


Anonymous said...

Dirty, the basement boy. LOL

Alaskana said...

I was looking for articles on the Grand Forks Herald's website pertaining to this weekend's matchup with UND and came across this headline in the search results:

"WCHA roundup: Seahawks nip Gophers"

Now that's what I call fine journalism, lol.

Donald Dunlop said...

Great find! Thank you. The article is already archived but I grabbed a copy and saved it as a pic.

Runninwiththedogs said...

Dirty's older than 26!!!

Donald Dunlop said...

LOL. I just had to guess.

Alaskana said...

Yeah, Unless the Seattle Seahawks have made a sudden foray into collegiate hockey, I think a correction (and apology!) is in order. :)

Anonymous said...

Wow! Very funny Donald.

Dirty said...

You laugh but those 4th graders don't mess with me anymore.

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